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Part 1. Low Self Esteem, False Self Esteem & Real Self Esteem: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Writer's picture: Rebecca GoutalRebecca Goutal


Self Esteem.  Esteeming your self and living whole heartedly.


"It’s about waking up in the morning and saying, no matter what gets done, how much is done, and how it’s done, I am enough, and I’m worthy of Love and Belonging and Joy.”

~ Brene Brown


And I would add: No matter how people see me, how I think they might view me, no matter whether or not you give me warmth, love, or kind attention - either way - I am still enough just as I am ~ and I am worthy of Love, Belonging, and Joy.


No matter if I own a house, or rent, or haven’t found a place to land, or been evicted; no matter if I’ve got money in the bank and good credit or I’m living pay check to pay check, or I’m on the precarious edge of fluctuating income based on small contracts, or I’m counting change for groceries; no matter if I’m happily married with children, in a complex or difficult relationship, a single Mom or Dad, in a blended family, single, dating, just came out of a difficult relationship, or recovering from abuse ~ 

My worth doesn’t change. 


I am still enough just as I am ~ and I am worthy of Love, Belonging, and Joy!

Equally as valuable as every one else.  

We All Are!


Wow!  Feels good to write that!  Because, I really feel it in my bones now, and at 50 years old, I could look back on my journey of life and probably check off most of the not so desirable (and some of the desirable) things on that list. 


And of course, the list goes on - it’s full of all of the things we feel insecure, embarrassed, or ashamed about.

What are some of those things for you?


Through the journey of my life,

as I traversed some of these difficulties, there were many times when it wasn’t easy to find a sense of worth. In fact in many of those times, my own sense of value or self esteem, or lack there of, wasn’t at the forefront of my experience. It was usually worry, emotional distress, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, and a striving for deeper connection, or to overcome what seemed to be wrong with me, alternating with with escapism, fierce individualism, and giving myself permission to forgo concerns with outside opinions and dive head first into my passions of art, nature, activism, and spirituality; the latter being my best original connection with some kind of experience of self love.  


All along the way, I slowly began to understand that somewhere deep inside, how I felt about myself and my place in the world (if there was one) was at the core of my distress. Self Esteem. Low Self Esteem. I needed to learn how to truly ally with myself at the deepest level.  Sometimes Low Self Esteem is not easy to spot because it’s so deeply embedded in our internal makeup that it’s just part of the unconscious stew of the “ups and downs of life”.   


For me, this journey has been rich and rewarding, though I certainly didn't feel this way at times, - the journey of recognizing the parts of me where shame and low self esteem were hiding and learning how to embrace those parts fully - with Love - so that I can be free to be myself fully and find the courage to share who I really am - undefended.  


Why am I sharing my personal journey? Because through many years of growth, research, observing others, and serving people as a counsellor, I’ve come to understand that Real Self Esteem is a key ingredient to healing just about all mental / emotional health difficulties and low self esteem is extremely prevalent yet sneakily hidden because it’s connected to shame and shame hides.  So, I want to exemplify, ‘getting real’ and show up as part of the conversation in this exploration of Self Esteem and shame.



Shame is an epidemic in our culture… Empathy is the antidote to shame.  If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs 3 things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy it can’t survive.” 


~ Brene Brown


As we explore the tender subject of Self Esteem, let’s remember that vulnerability and courage forge the path to real connection ~ and connection is one of our most important human needs.



So let’s get curious together.  As we continue on, we’ll look into: 


  • Low Self Esteem & False Self Esteem - and how to identify them

  • Common societal obstacles to Self Esteem that effect just about everyone & what perpetuates it

  • What is Real Self Esteem?

    In part 2

  • We'll go deeper into factors influencing Self Esteem

  • How to heal Low Self Esteem / False Self esteem, - and Cultivate Real Self Esteem, ~ enjoying a growing sense of inner clarity, peace, love, joy, a greater sense of connectedness, and a strong foundation for healthy, loving, fulfilling relationships.



What is Low Self Esteem? 

The Stuff we don’t want people to see.


Shame Researcher, Brene Brown, says that everyone who can feel empathy experiences shame.  



Shame stirs feelings connected to the idea or belief that you’re not enough, there’s something wrong with you, you have no value, or you’re not worthy of Love.  When shame takes root, it feeds these sentiments until they become deep rooted beliefs - often at the unconscious level.  In this sense, Shame and low Self Esteem are deeply intertwined.


A quick internet search will give you a list of the signs of Low Self Esteem and you’ll find that it reads as a list of the most common “mental health” challenges: Anxiety, depression, emotional distress, relationship difficulties, panic disorders, eating disorders, internet addiction, risky behaviour, substance abuse, stress, etc.  So low self esteem is at the core of them all.  


What all of this points to is that low self esteem is prevalent, a part of the fabric of our society’s collective experience.  


My first bout of depression came at 13.  I remember, the blows to my Self Esteem came right at the time I was awakening to the consciousness of extreme beauty and pain in the world, deeply moved and full of wonder, starting at age 9, I became a fertile woman with obvious signs of developing, I was taller than all of the other children, had severe acne, red hair and did not fit in with the other children around me. There were other things weighing on me as well, both deeply personal, and global.


I was teased, rejected, bullied, labeled a problem child by the school system. My parents were doing their best and doing a lot but, in some ways, they weren't able to meet me where I was at emotionally.  They’d also raised me with a belief system centred around the idea that all people are sinners and unworthy of God’s love without external intervention. I began to feel so alone… like I didn't matter ...I was gross ...undesirable


All of this was going on right at the time my gifts and talents as an artist and highly sensitive creative being were burgeoning. There was a lot of beauty and compassionate insight percolating inside me to be creatively shared. Yet I began to feel as though there was no one to receive me. By 13, I was in a deep depression. 



I wonder what would happen if children all around the world were attuned to, supported, and celebrated, all the way through puberty and beyond. How would we be sharing our gifts with the world? 





Like me, most of us need to find our way, through the labyrinth of our wounds, on a transformative journey of awakening Self Esteem ~ a birthright that helps us fully engage in giving and receiving from the heart.



On the journey, both obstacles and offerings become teachers,

opportunities to let love in and share it with others in a myriad of ways. Purpose, inspiration, receptivity, and expression deepen as we come to know ourselves and the world in the highest light. As we learn to see and treat ourselves with appreciation and kindness, we can pass it on and change the world exponentially through our relationships.


Most of us struggle with Shame and low Self Esteem at some level. 

It’s how you deal with them that makes the difference.



Common Societal Obstacles to Self Esteem


In our Western Society, low Self Esteem has furthered itself through avenues of consumerism and advertising from big corporations - fuelling our economy but preying on ‘manufactured’ insecurities and promoting False Self Esteem through the use of media, advertising, digital technology and social pressure.


This points to what the relationship expert Terry Real calls: 

“The Great Lie of Western Culture” 

~ That your worth is based on your performance, how others feel about you, what you have, and what you look like.  


If you just do better at life... if you just make smarter investments, get the right tools, the right team, the right partner, make sure everyone likes you and respects you, and make sure you look attractive, and look the part, (whatever part you’re trying to play), then you win!  You can feel happy and awesome about yourself and life.



HHMMMM…. Sounds exhausting right?  Or maybe it’s inspiring. Maybe you’re hoping to be on the upswing of this one… or maybe you are right now!  Awesome!  It can be pleasing to achieve some of these things however, life isn’t static and our world is full of injustices, there will always be difficulties, losses, messiness, and all of the emotions that go with these.  


The sad part about “The Great Lie” is that it’s destined to take your sense of self worth on a roller coaster ride - all based on external uncontrollable circumstances - And trying to control them is a big part of what takes us further away from our true selves and on an exhausting wild goose chase - with disappearing geese.  


Low Self Esteem leaves you feeling alone inside - like it’s all up to you and no one should see the real you because they might find out how flawed you are.


True Self Esteem comes from inside and can be part of your anchor, your eye in the storm, your still reflecting pool. 

And it’s everyone’s birthright.



As we continue, we’ll delve into learning more about Real Self Esteem but, first let’s start with identifying where and how we can get stuck.


The Relational Impacts of Low Self Esteem


Low Self Esteem keeps us believing we’re not enough as we are, that we’re flawed, not valuable enough to be loved fully - and this leads us to defend against that pain.  Defences shield us from real authentic connection and leave us feeling deeply and painfully alone.  


And this creates a cycle in relationships where instead of kindly sharing who we really are,

what we really think, how we really feel, what we’d like to experience, and accepting how we look in the process - which would be vulnerable and connective - instead we show up with what we think people want to see or want us to be, or we hide, distance, blame, criticize, nitpick etc. and this leads to feeling disconnected, like the person doesn’t really know the real you - you feel alone more isolated - and this, like I mentioned earlier, is the place where shame can grow exponentially.  


Not to mention that all of the defences become exhausting and are often hurtful. 


All of this keeps a person very self absorbed in an erosive way - whether it’s on the upswing of grandiosity or the downswing of shame, there’s very little room for real kindness and connection - inside or out.  This is the source of a huge amount of relational distress.


Interestingly, as you’ll see below, getting curious about your defence behaviours can be a doorway to healing building awareness that helps you heal Low Self Esteem.





Recognizing the Signs of Low Self Esteem:

Beyond 'Mental Health Issues' ~

Getting Curious About How I Show Up & Why


The first step in addressing anything is awareness

Or, as I like to say in the realms of healing:

…making space for things to emerge from the realm of the unconscious 

into the light of your conscious awareness to be cared for.


Since most of us feel compelled (consciously or unconsciously) to hide our shame and defend against the pain of the beliefs that we are not enough, fundamentally flawed, not valuable, unworthy of love, etc., (to the point where we often exile, suppress, and deny these feelings and barely recognize they are apart of us)  ~


The easiest way to become aware of when low Self Esteem is running the show is to become very curious about your defence behaviours - or what I sometimes call ‘unconscious defence behaviours’


What are defence behaviours?  

As I touched on in my brief description of relational impacts, Defence Behaviours are the ‘masks’ we hide behind to defend against the pain of shame. 


They are behaviours that come up when we’re triggered - something is touching on that wound - that pain that we carry deep inside - or “Suspicions of Self /SOS” - as my mentors Katherine & Duane O’Kane would say, and this is when we tend to “Hide, Pretend, or Defend”  or as My teacher Terry Real would say, “Fight, Flight, or Fix”.  


These defences fracture out into a plethora of parts - parts of ourselves, the parts we play.  


  • ’Hiding & Fleeing’ can include: distancing, checking out, disappearing / becoming invisible, not listening, stonewalling, not asking for what you want, immersing in digital media, tv, movies, fantasy world, running away, addictions, any form of not showing up


  • ‘Pretending & Fixing’ shows up in behaviours where we take on any role, (instead of showing up with our authentic self) such as:      managing, controlling, people pleasing, caretaking, projecting superiority, being the rebel, the martyr, preoccupied with appearances, the ‘perfect wife’, ‘perfect husband’, ‘perfect CEO, Projecting an image, like ‘cool’ ‘put together’, ‘sophisticated’ ‘independent’ etc. excessively seeking external validation / admiration / attention, ~ the list goes on…


  • ‘Defending & Fighting’ show up as: defensiveness, attack, blame, contempt, judgement, condescending, dominating, passive aggression such as playing the role of the victim, self absorbed self righteousness, competitiveness…


….to name a few.

Another way I like to look at these is by labeling them “adaptive behaviours” They are the behaviours we learned in order to feel safe in the environments we grew up in, or were exposed to. They were adaptive then but, not helpful now. From this perspective, we can take a nonjudgemental view of these behaviours and self reflect with compassion and curiosity. 


Sometimes there are great skills that come out of these adaptions, however becoming aware of what’s motivating them is part of the process of freeing yourself from the burden of low Self Esteem, learning to honour your true self and live with authenticity, open to real connection.


Holding an attitude of kindness and compassion for yourself as well as making new choices about how you want to show up in your life are important steps of healing and growth.


As you read about these defences, what behaviours feel familiar or stand out for you?  


I invite you to take this awareness with you into your daily life and get curious about your defence behaviours. Notice how they are a flag telling you that low self esteem is influencing your life.


When I’m in my defence behaviours,  I’m not allowing my authentic self to shine.  Over the years I’ve found myself in all kinds of defences, (caretaking & checking out have been 2 big ones for me) and sometimes it’s taken time to really unravel and bring healing to the wounded defended parts of me.  

But, the effort is worth it because there's more energy and connection flowing - being inauthentic and living in defence is exhausting and lonely - and It’s exactly what’s happening when “The Great Lie” of western society is influencing how you feel about yourself and how you show up in life.


So Let’s take a closer look at the 3 categories of “The Great Lie” that Contribute to False Self Esteem, according to Terry Real:



The 3 Forms of Unhealthy / False Self Esteem:

Self Esteem from the outside in 


  1. Performance Based Self Esteem - This means having self worth based on what I can do. For example: I can get a promotion, I can outsmart my opponent in a game, I can do a ‘slam dunk’, build a six figure business, I can sexually pleasure my partner, etc. In its extreme expression, performance based esteem becomes workaholism.


  1. Other Based Self Esteem - This means having self worth based on how others think of me, feel about me, or treat me. In it’s extreme expression, this can show up as “love addiction” - only feeling good about myself when my partner (or others) gives me loving attention - and feeling bad about myself when they don’t.  As Terry Real says “ using other people’s esteem of me as a self esteem dialysis machine.”


  1. Attribute Based Self Esteem - This means having self worth based on what I haveFor example: I have lots of money and good credit, I own a house, I have fancy car, I have a degree, I have a strong fit body, I have a gorgeous partner, I have fashionable clothes, etc.  The promotion of this falsehood is easy to spot in advertising and media.  We’re surrounded by this messaging in our consumerist society which relies on this undermining of our self worth to motivate us to buy.


We all know that we are living in an age of consumerism and industrialized production of all that we consume. When you really consider this, it’s mind and heart boggling. The realities of that one statement alone can be overwhelming, which is one of the reasons why it seems so many of us try to ignore it and check out for a while, maybe relax a bit and scroll or watch TV, all the while swimming in a soup of media curated and structured by big corporations who benefit from us believing the ‘Great Lie’. They want us to feel like we’re not enough, for us to wallow in those pain points so that we’ll buy. And we do. We are so saturated, the soup is in our heads and our nervous systems.


I find it amazing that, in a way, these advertising tactics are common knowledge.  It’s right there if you look up the word consumerism, and yet these messages of False Self Esteem have come to have such a hold on us. 


Though Big corporations aren’t the only institutions promoting 'The Great Lie' Systemically, they’ve been increasing their strength and dominance in the world.

Isn’t it about time we disentangle ourselves from the lies of consumerist messaging and free our authentic selves!


In Part 2 we'll investigate other influences on our Self Esteem but first, let's explore what Real Self Esteem is.



What is Real Self Esteem?


Terry Real explains that, it’s not that you shouldn’t feel good when you accomplish something, when someone shows you positive regard or enjoy what you have - or that you shouldn’t feel sad/hurt/disappointed when you fail, or get rejected, or experience loss.


The idea is that Real Self Esteem does not depend on what you can do, how others think of you, or what you have - and if it does, you’ll find that it will crumble (or inflate and cause trouble in your relationships) as soon as the inevitable comes: life circumstances change.


You can have the emotions that go along with your human experience but never let those define your worth as a human being. Instead, always hold yourself with warm regard as you journey through the wonders, joys, and difficulties of life.  


This is a choice we make.  A choice that we often need to make over and over again until it becomes second nature.


Real Self Esteem means that you can be loving and kind toward yourself even when you fail or get rejected.  And if things go sour or you hurt someone, instead of wallowing in shame and making it all about you, you can hold yourself in warm regard while feeling healthy disappointment or remorse, acknowledge where you went wrong and seek to learn, grow, and repair the relationship.   


And when you feel inspired to grow, improve your skills, try something new, become a better partner, better friend ~ whatever it is you feel called to do, do it from your heart and let go of the idea that it will mean that if you succeed or fail, your value as a human being goes up or down - in reality, that’s impossible - because we are all equal.


No matter what you do, “Your essential worth and dignity cannot be added to…(or) subtracted from…Self esteem comes from the inside out.  It is your birthright.  You have worth and dignity because you’re here on this planet and you’re breathing and you’re a human being.” ~ Terry Real


Clearly, our world has a long way to go in embracing this Truth.  I’ve come to believe that cultivating Real Self Esteem is a form of activism, working toward true equality for all human beings.  It starts at the core of how we see and feel ourselves and ripples out into how we experience others and the way we treat them.


For most of us, this is easier said than done.  It means going against the grain of the program of our society which generationally runs systemically through all aspects of our lives, relationships, and families.  It also means turning toward healing the wounds and traumas, that live inside us. 


We're here to help. Vince and I are Registered Therapeutic Counsellors who know the terrain well, both personally and professionally. If you need assistance in reconnecting with your self worth and healing wounds and traumas that hold you back,


Please feel welcome to reach out and book a free consultation or email us at rebecca@lovealive.ca or vince@lovealive.ca


Now, Let’s take a closer look at some of these challenges and how we can grow through them on the path of



WRITTEN BY


Rebecca Goutal BFA, RTC

Rebecca is a Transformative Artist,

Registered Therapeutic Counsellor, Teacher & Facilitator Specializing in

Relationships & Communication,

Trauma, Anxiety & Depression





LoveAlive



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