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Part 2. Cultivating Real Self Esteem: Keys for Healthy Relationships

Writer's picture: Rebecca GoutalRebecca Goutal

Updated: Jan 26



What is Real Self Esteem?

Real Self Esteem means that you can be loving and kind toward yourself even when you fail or get rejected.  And if things go sour or you hurt someone, instead of wallowing in shame and making it all about you, you can hold yourself in warm regard while you feel healthy disappointment or remorse, acknowledge where you went wrong and seek to learn, grow, and repair the relationship.  (Read more about this in Part 1 of this article)


Factors that Impact Low Self Esteem


So far, in Part 1., I’ve focussed considerably on the impact of societal messaging as a cause of False or Low Self Esteem.  This is because all other influences happen within the framework of our societal programs and because we’re so used to it, it can be hard to step back and really see what’s going on - kind of like the metaphor of a fish swimming in water, not recognizing the water as anything.  And there are a couple other major factors in this particular arena that I’ll mention in a moment however, let’s first take a look at some other influences on our Self Esteem:


Generational Family System:  


Thinking about how you grew up and the experiences you had in your family provides profound insight into who you’ve become. We often have parts of ourselves that mirror or rebel against difficult things we experienced growing up and that can put an imbalancing spin on our inner lives. 


Exploring these family experiences and generational patterns of our family system can help us identify where to focus our healing process so we can compassionately differentiate from unhealthy aspects of the family system, live more authentically with real Self esteem, and as some say, “break the cycle”. 


It’s also helpful to recognize that most of the harmful patterns that show up in our families started generations before as defence against hardships our ancestors went through. This points back to societal contexts that often include war, poverty, immigration, discrimination, slavery, oppression of all sorts, (both oppressor and oppressed), and violence. While not condoning hurtful behaviour, “hurt people hurt people” and seeking to understand the contexts that contributed to the wounds that get passed down can be an important part of a healing process.  By the same token, we can also identify life giving patterns ~ and grow through both. 


In a sense, our ancestors live inside us through inherited patterning and epigenetics. The efforts we make now to bring healing and compassionate energy into our family system can honour and bring healing within our selves, for generations to come, and to the ones who came before us.    


Let’s reflect:

In families, some things that can impact Self Esteem negatively are: criticism; lack of emotional attunement; lack of warmth, affection, or empathy; high pressure to achieve; impossible or inhuman expectations; harsh or abusive treatment; sexual abuse; lack of limits or boundaries; ignoring your strengths / gifts / talents and focussing on your weaknesses or difficulties; unequal treatment of siblings; and comparison.   


Do you treat yourself in any of these ways?  Choosing to treat yourself with love and respect is a good way to begin a healing process. Do the opposite of everything I just mentioned.   



Some other Family Systems things to consider:


How were you shown what love is?


What are the patterns that are moving through your family generationally?  What are some of the unspoken rules, beliefs and narratives about self-worth and relationships that were modelled by your family? What messages did you hear growing up hearing?  One that I grew up with was: “who do you think you are?”  


Were there religious or cultural beliefs or interpretations that included a negative point of view about your worth? Sadly, this is often connected to gender or a certain take on the concept of ‘original sin’.  


What family mottos did you hear growing up and in what context?  What family rules - unspoken or spoken did you grow up with? For example “our family never fails”, “don’t let people know where you come from”, “it’s not worth doing if it’s not done perfect”, “Don’t talk about your problems to anyone”. 


I find that when reflecting on how family influences may have been hurtful, it’s always helpful to hold that reflective space compassionately and balance the hurtful stuff with as much appreciation for the positive as possible, (without being in denial) otherwise we can see things in a skewed way and feel worse.  Also, receiving professional help can be profoundly beneficial.


Our Personal Journey & Self Esteem Factors: 


As I just spoke of, our early childhood and what we experienced growing up in our families forms a large part of the inner patterns that run our life. Yet, other contexts of that we spend a lot of time in growing up can play a huge role in how we feel about ourselves, such as; schools, religious places of worship, camps, neighbourhoods, family land,

friend’s houses, places of employment, other institutions, the virtual worlds of the internet, and media.  


And like in our families, these places and the people, stories, and messaging we encounter in them can provide both encouraging nurturance and hurtful or confusing influences, however some ideologies are constructed and inhabited in ways that lean more toward harm or health.  What places and people stand out for you, when you consider your influences growing up and as an adult?  What did you experience? How were you treated? How did you treat others? 


Relationships are the context within which we create meaning in our lives and in ourselves. Through your lifetime, what did experience with romantic partners and friends? How did those relationships impact your self worth?


Trauma, diagnosis, disability, adversity, &

waning resilience (adaptive overstrain)


Obviously, this list of labels represents a huge variety of experiences.

They each represent profound challenges and difficulties in their own way however, they can also represent some of our greatest transformational growth opportunities.  So while they can signify added difficulty from many angles, Self Esteem being an important one, they also offer the possibilities of “post traumatic growth”, creative diverse abilities, emotional maturation, and spiritual awakening, to name a few.  


It’s important to note that these wonderful possibilities are more likely when a person can make the choice to find (or find themselves in) the context of a nurturing environment with elements of: nature and safety, supportive people, and appropriately skilled people who can offer therapeutic support.


Having started off my teenage years with a severe and deep depression, I was lucky, in the late 80’s, to have parents who believed that counselling could help and despite a lot of resistance on my part, and possibly other obstacles, they found me one who listened well, seeking to understand me and actually helped me. 


 After meeting with the counsellor for weeks, things inside me began to shift.  As I look back, the 3 things I learned were: first, that my unique highly sensitive attuned and creative way of seeing the world was good, beautiful, and valuable; Second, the light and beauty I saw in the sunlit dewdrops, in the eyes of others, and all around me - lives inside me - and is no less beautiful there - even if some people don’t see it or don’t get me; and Third, that the way I was thinking about the things that grieved me was adding to the pain and suffering I was experiencing.  Though I didn’t see it or name it at the time, or realize that’s what I was doing for years, this was the beginning of my journey of recovering my Self Esteem.



Ways we Spiral Deeper into Shame & Low Self Esteem


Let’s briefly consider a few well known pitfalls when it comes to low Self Esteem:


Getting into habits of negative or critical self talk; maladaptive coping skills such as the defence behaviours I spoke of earlier; and ruminating on worries, sad or hurtful memories, or dark thoughts without the stabilizing clarity of self compassion and a sense of connectedness inside.  All of these can leave you feeling lost and alone. 


However, It’s important not to exile, suppress, and deny these parts because, the more they stay hidden in our unconscious, the more they can unknowingly influence us.  


It’s essential to learn to turn toward our shadow aspects grounded in Kindness, Compassion, and a sense of connectedness with Life, with Source.  We need to learn how to comfort our hurting parts and create healthy boundaries inside - not let them treat us poorly.


Sometimes the patterns of hurt are so deeply engrained that it can be very difficult to shift out of them and experience something new, not to mention growing and maintaining new healthy patterns. This is when finding a qualified therapist would be an excellent idea.  


Please feel welcome to reach out and book a free consultation or email us at rebecca@lovealive.ca or vince@lovealive.ca



Systemic & Cultural Factors Contributing to Low Self Esteem: 


We are all impacted by influences of privilege and oppression and our experiences of these have an impact on Self Esteem.


Have the places and spaces you’ve lived in been accepting and supportive of people with your socioeconomic background, race, health concerns, physical or neural diverse abilities, looks, gender identity, sexuality, religion, age, immigration status, language, or nationality? 


Most of us know from experience that living with one or multiple marginalized, oppressed identities or descriptors can compound and make healthy Self Esteem more difficult, especially when the environment we’re in is absent of anyone challenging the dominant ideology, negative messaging, attitudes, and behaviours. 


In addition to the systemic factors I just spoke of, Terry Real talks about two major systemic forces contributing to the development of False and Low Self Esteem, (damaging our relationship with ourselves, others and the natural world): individualism and patriarchy.


He explains that individualism has the benefit of highlighting human rights but taken to extremes it forms the delusion that “I stand apart from nature”, and overshadows the truth that I am a part of nature and everything I do to my environment, to others, within the “biosphere” of my relationships will also impact me. Individualism connects with an older ideology called patriarchy. “Patriarchy teaches us that not only do we stand apart from nature, we stand above nature and we dominate it. We control it.” ~ Terry Real


So, we are living within a societal framework of systems of separation, dominance, and control that have been active for generations. All of this create the antithesis of a nurturing space for healthy Self Esteem and healthy relationships.  


When you look at your personal relational difficulties or wounds, can you see the systemic influences behind them?


There is great work to be done, internally inside ourselves, in our relationships, in our communities, and the world - to turn this around. We need to learn and teach a new way of relating and improve our relationship with ourselves and with others. This is why I see cultivating real Self Esteem as a form of activism.


How to Cultivate Real Self Esteem


Let’s imagine for a moment: 

Walking through life without feeling the need to prove yourself, without having your guard up or proving others wrong, or feeling the need to be perfect, impressive, or stay small and hidden.

What would it be like to let go of all of the distress and exhaustion that all that creates… and feel at peace with yourself; to feel free to accept, love, and express yourself fully (‘flaws’, ‘failures’, eccentricities and all), 

Imagine feeling undefended, open to other people and their experiences - open to real, intimate, emotional connection.


We can make choices that move us in the direction of experiencing this more and more. 


“Choice is our greatest navigating tool.  …The more we develop our sense of self, the more empowered we become to make choices that reflect the greater reasons why we were born.”

~ Carolyn Myss



There are 6 main pieces to this puzzle - 

Conscious Choice, Awareness, Letting go, Boundaries on the Inside, Embracing the Truth, and Dedication


  1. Conscious Choice: You can’t control your external environment but you can make Conscious Choices about your internal one.  Esteeming the Self, is Esteeming the Gift of Life in yourself that’s connected to all life. It’s about recognizing the miracle that you are and that each person is; honouring deeply the Truth that we are all born with equal value - priceless. It’s about coming into that place with reverence and appreciation and treating yourself with dignity and Kindness. Making a Conscious Choice to claim this truth and making the choice to seek help if you need it. Dedicating yourself to this is a crucial step that helps you to keep making conscious choices in this direction as you continue on your path of Cultivating Real Self Esteem.


  2. Awareness: Kindness, Compassion, and Curiosity are key here.  Paying attention without these can feed into disempowering narratives and patterns of suffering.  With dedication, awareness grows over time. Applying what you’ve learned, choose to pay attention to your ups and downs, what’s at the core of these and what drives you. Notice the signs of Low Self Esteem such as being ‘triggered’ into an intense emotional upset, reactivity, disempowering or hurtful inner narratives or self talk, compulsive behaviours, or defence behaviours.


  3. Letting Go: Again, Kindness and Compassion are key here. When you notice any of these signs of Low Self Esteem or False Self Esteem. It’s time to take a pause and some deep breaths. Recognize in a forgiving yet firm way, that this isn’t what you want. You want something greater. Take some time to breath into the tension you feel in your body and notice how it’s connected to the false belief that there’s something wrong with you, you’re not enough, don’t matter, aren’t worthy of love (any version of that)- (or that you’re somehow better than or above everyone else)         Do this practice:  As you inhale, exaggerate the tension slightly, empathizing compassionately with this part of yourself, as you exhale relax and let go of the tension and the beliefs caught up with it. Continue this for as long as you need. 


  4. Boundaries on the Inside: With forgiveness, kindness, and firmness, remind yourself of the consequences of these false beliefs, harmful patterns, and defence behaviours. Kindly say no to them.  They are not your authentic self.  They are parts of you that adapted to try to feel safe in the past but those adaptions aren’t helpful now. With compassion for these immature adaptive child parts of you, thank them for their intent to keep you safe and let them know that you know a better way. Choose to stop identifying with these and remember the truth of your innate and equal value - and how profoundly beautiful that is.


  5. Embracing the Truth:  This is a very important part. When we let go of one pattern we need to replace it with something else, otherwise our system doesn't know what to do. So, Remember the Truth that you are Worthy of Love - just as every person is.  We are all born with equal value and worthy of Love.  You must remember this Truth and Claim it - reach for it, feel into it, make room for it, and breath into it - allow this experience to grow inside you by giving it your breath and attention.  Keep returning to this truth and nurturing your experience of it.  Feel it glowing inside you.  Hold it with tenderness. Allow your awareness of this Truth to be expansive.  Feel it growing beyond your skin. Feel it connecting to the light in everyone else.



There’s a place inside every one of us that knows Real Self Esteem.  It’s about connecting to the heartbeat in you that’s connected to the heart beat in everyone else - and esteeming that heartbeat ~ giving and receiving from this place.


“Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people - we carry those inside of our hearts.  I know who I am.  I’m clear about that, and I’m not going to negotiate that with you. Then I may fit in for you but I no longer belong with myself.”

~ Brene Brown


  1. Dedication: Dedicate yourself to this path of reclaiming your birthright of Real Self Esteem and Authenticity.  Keep making the Choice to remember and claim the Truth about you.  Carry this Truth in your heart.  Carry it with you in all that you do, through all that you experience, through thick and thin. Let it in-form how you live and how you are with others.  Eventually, there will be times when you won’t have to think or reflect on your self worth and how false self worth might be running the show.  You’ll have cultivated deep acceptance -


    And authenticity naturally flows from there. You can just let yourself be at peace with yourself and be at one with your experience.



This reminds me of being immersed in my garden, hands and knees in the dirt, my head at the level of the flowers, and the aroma of giant yellow squash flowers wafting through the air as bees hum in warm golden tones, all around my head, a realm of sunlit fertility, the very essence of the mystery of new life dancing in an intoxicating song through the garden of my whole being. 


There is no self image here ~ only resonating with the beauty inside hearts, like finely scented flowers, blooming effortlessly with unique magnificence, attracting bees to frolic in the fragrance in a sacred celebratory buzz that miraculously bares fruit to be shared with the world.


Carolyn Myss speaks metaphorically like this; The journey of cultivating Real Self Esteem is like moving from living in a field of heavy veils of illusion scented with Au d’ toilet to becoming like the fine perfume of flowers where nourishment comes at the speed of light. 


To cultivate Real Self esteem, you don’t need to try to stop yourself from having vulnerable feelings but instead you can appreciate being human and allow the full spectrum of emotions as you journey on, all the while Esteeming your Self and the gift of life in all people & beings; learning to respond to feelings with care and intention - in ways that are nurturing of your deepest values, and relationships, in ways that nourish connection, joy, and fulfillment.

And Your tears of heart will water the flowers.


My experience is that Life moves in cycles and continuously presents new opportunities to see things in new ways and allows that awareness to inform what I become.


Over the years, I’ve weathered many storms, faced disability and stigma, as well as experienced privilege, and even in the privilege found vast tracts of grief and shame on the journey of reckoning with my part and my place in it all, coming in and out of gratitude for what I’ve received and disgust for the way humanity unjustly distributes wealth and the honouring of human rights.


There is a choice we all must face: I can choose to see life, others, (and myself) through the lens of distrust and contempt or I can choose to see us through the lens of compassion, appreciation, and honour for this sacred gift of life that lives equally inside me and everyone else - and allow that to inform who I become, how I am shaped by the nourishment and adversities I am met with.  And this in turn will inform how I experience Life, what I give back, and what the world becomes.


Sometimes this will mean allowing myself to sink more deeply into a wonderful experience and let myself be more of who I really am.


And Sometimes this will mean remembering that I am connected to all Life and finding the courage to stand for what I believe in the face of opposition, adversity, or a sense of risking rejection, or even calamity ~ whether that’s from external circumstances, or just old patterns cropping up inside.


“ There will be times when standing alone feels too hard or too scary and we’ll doubt our ability to make our way through the uncertainty. Someone somewhere will say, “Don’t do it. You don’t have what it takes to survive the wilderness.”  This is when you reach deep into your wild heart and remind yourself ~ I am the wilderness.”  ~ Brene Brown 





WRITTEN BY


Rebecca Goutal BFA, RTC

Rebecca is a Transformative Artist,

Registered Therapeutic Counsellor, Teacher & Facilitator Specializing in

Relationships & Communication,

Trauma, Anxiety & Depression





LoveAlive



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