Healing Sexual Trauma for Men

Healing from Sexual Trauma for Men

I've been running a men's group for years. I've been working directly with men for decades. The common denominator for these groups (many about addictions) that I have noticed is that of sexual trauma. Not always is every addict been dealt sexual trauma where they were violated in some way, sometimes they are the culprit. Sometimes, sexual trauma was not the trauma that instigated the need to escape. It is usually trauma-based however. It has come enough as a constant through the groups I've facilitated, that is begged to be spoken of here.

It seems that women who have been victimized by men have gotten more of the attention, while the men are societally demonized. The fact is that hurt people, hurt people unless they heal before they act out again. Those who don't heal, tend to either act out/perpetrate again or, internalize their desires or shame and it can manifest in dis-ease of some sort or another. Many look for the next relationship to fix them or seek solace in other addictions which we know only gives temporary relief, and amps the problem significantly later.

The other option is to heal. Enter fear of the unknown, often entitled “The greatest of all fears” Who will I be without my coping mechanism? I can speak for myself here, that, that particular fear kept me stuck for a long time.

Until the day where the pain of staying the same, outweighed the fear of the unknown, and I finally had to face my own Shite, and muster up the courage to get out of the way of my own healing, get humble, and ask for help.

Yes, it was hard. It also didn't get healed overnight, in fact, I am still healing, and probably will be till the day I die. What I did learn though is I am only as sick as my secrets. Once those secrets were up and out, shared with another human being who had the ability to hear it and keep it confidential, then it was a massive weight off of my back, I could stand erect and proud, look at myself in the mirror, and even begin to eye gaze with the man in the mirror and say I love you in meaningful ways over and over until I believed it with every cell in my being.

I spent decades in the rooms of recovery. I spent countless hours with counsellors, therapists, men's groups, experiential groups, life coaches and was immersed in books to finally have dominion over my demons. I learned to love my demons, to care for them, that demons need love most of all. To hug them so long, their power over me diminished, and they became allies. They were parts of me.

We all have parts. These different parts have roles; Managers, Firefighters, Exiles. These parts need to be recognized, asked what their role has been and why they do what they do, honoured for their roles - for the positive intention behind their actions and behaviours. Then, we can reconstruct for the highest good.

You are not wrong for your behaviour, you're not a bad person. We simply need to learn how to have higher outcomes than what we have been able, or capable of doing.

We are a trauma-filled society. Intergenerational trauma. Stuff was handed to you from your ancestors, and you will hand it to your lineage as well…until someone stands up and says; “The buck stops here” It ends with me.

Men’s shame is different from women’s shame. Women tend to have the ability to share it when they feel trust with the one they are sharing it with. Men tend to have a more difficult time with this. We have been programmed to deny ourselves that way. Our secrets tend to stay secrets until we either work on ourselves, stuff the feelings creating all kinds of baggage and hardship, or die from addictions. We have a human right and a basic human need for connection. It is necessary for a healthy life. Period. If we are not heard, understood, felt, we can be lost in the realms of disconnection.

Enter Men’s Peaceful Warrior Circles

In this group, we dive into men's challenges. All the stuff that men face in this world. This is where the trust is developed with other men in a safe, confidential container. Once the trust is developed, men will tend to open up incrementally to allow others into their inside world. Or a keener may jump right in, open right up, and get the party started. That was me in groups. I wanted to get the healing party started right away and get er done. I said,